ESPN is a Basic Bitch

This isn’t about reverse racism, or sexism, it’s about shitty journalism.

On Friday, December 8th at 4:30 in the afternoon, this appeared on ESPN’s “Top Headlines” section on their main page:

Jaguars to sell Marroney Bologna sandwiches at games

You shitting me here?

This is the sort of crap that sports fans are regularly served by the Worldwide Leader. Their homepage regularly features feel-good stories, and ridiculousness that detracts from the reason people head to their site in the first place; to check out the damn scores.  On Saturday the 9th at 5:30, the “Top Headlines” section was populated with fluff like:

Brady apologizes to McDaniels for sideline rant

Heart and sole: AB to feature Shazier on cleats

Army: Rape allegation against QB ‘unfounded’

Further down the page, you’ve got some shit about LaVar Ball. ESPN has become more TMZ-like over the past several years. Slapping up rape allegations, stories about sideline outbursts that are fairly commonplace in the NFL, and a player commemorating his injured teammate are arguably a little off the beaten path, but they’re not ridiculous.

THIS as a featured article is ridiculous:

JACKSONVILLE, Fla. – Jacksonville Jaguars fans don’t have to wait until after games to eat a bologna and cheese sandwich like coach Doug Marrone.

The team is now selling Marrone’s favorite meal throughout EverBank Field on game days, beginning with Sunday’s game against Seattle. It’s called the Marroney Bologna and it costs $6.

Delaware North Sportservice has put its own twist on it, though. Marrone prefers thin-sliced bologna and American cheese with spicy mustard on white bread. The Marroney Bologna sandwich features thick-cut bologna and American cheese grilled on paisano artisan bread.

A top headline story about the Jaguars serving up a new fucking bologna sandwich?

Wait, Doug Marrone prefers thin-sliced bologna, but the sandwich that bears his name features thick-cut bologna? Hold. The. Fuck. ON!

I mean, I checked in to see if the Yankees had a chance at Giancarlo Stanton, but… a sandwich war could erupt in the bowels of EverBank Field!  Will Coach Marrone be able to concentrate enough to prepare for his next game? How will Jacksonvillians cope?

Basically anyone not in the Jacksonville metropolitan area (like 98% of the U.S.) could give a rat’s ass about this.

I’d suppose that’s to be expected from a news organization that serves mostly male, mostly White, mostly conservative sports fans a menu full of shit sandwich Liberal journalists, including:

Then, to add to the fact that anyone who clicked on this article was robbed of two minutes of their life that they will never give back, you’ve got an autoplay video of ESPN’s Mike Golic, extolling the virtues of the fried bologna sandwich; “That’s as basic a sandwich as you’re going to get,” he slobbers into the microphone before arguing with his co-hosts about peanut butter and jelly.

Mike Golic may have been a solid veteran defensive lineman, but his time at ESPN has proven him to be the most pedestrian of personalities on the network.

With his tired “everyman” act playing out for nearly 20 years, Golic is more simple than a Marroney Balogna sandwich. In fact, he more closely resembles the McDonald’s hamburger on the Dollar Menu; nothing memorable, no substance to it, negligent nutrition characteristics. Manufactured “beef” patty on an enriched bleached flour bun. As cheap and as basic as it gets. Kinda like what ESPN’s level of journalism has evolved into.

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